I don’t have a bow.
The only thing drier than grass in the late August drought was my phone. Even with a slight increase—I went from 6/10 in New Haven to 8.7/10 in Montana—I couldn’t find a single person on Tinder that I would even consider looking at. I’m the odd one out, but it seems like all the women in Montana, be it or not, have wisely vacated the Tinder arena.
As a result, Montana Tinder is mostly straight, beer-drinking, cowboy-hat-wearing, Multi-Country men. Unfortunately, I see that population with the same vague curiosity that admiring a freshly painted beige wall or flipping through a waiting room tabloid—not a desirable emotion for choosing a potential partner, by the way.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on what made these Montana Men so attractive. Maybe it was the subtle homophobic energy emanating from every moment of the lifted truck. Maybe it was their defining scent, a subtle combination of feet, sweat, musty sheets and Ax body spray, so strong it spread across my phone screen like the “before” part of a cologne ad. Perhaps it was the not-so-subtle bloody fingers and proudly dirty cheeks, sure signs of a blue-collar worker with a hobby of hunting. One remarkable profile features at least five images of a smiling resident holding a raw fish between his fleshy palms.
For whatever reason, I kept swiping left on every profile. Summer stretched on and still I was as far from flying as possible. But the more I scrolled, the more I realized that the profiles followed a pattern. In fact, many looked almost identical. They included similar expressions such as “just looking for a mother for my dog” or “can I smoke you”. Like any good scientist, I thought this specimen deserved to be investigated. If only I can pinpoint the problem with Montana Tinder men, maybe the lack of suitable partners can be fixed for people who are attracted to other men. I wasn’t given a date, but at least I could get some information.
Emboldened by this new, noble, highly scientific goal, I made a spreadsheet of the variables I found common among the profiles. Then, when things were slow at work, I scrolled left until my thumbs hurt, taking care to note every data point in the spreadsheet. When my colleagues saw my long desks, they invested in the survey. Every week they would request a status update on Montana Tinder men and ask when my findings would be analyzed and presented.
After a few hundred swipes, I exhausted every single match—not just in my city, which has fewer people than Yale, but across the state. That’s when I realized that my work was almost done. I only had one task left: to gather all this raw (lol) data and share my findings with the world.
Without further ado, I present the capstone project of my summer spent sliding:
The redneck dilemma: An analysis of the behavior and mating rituals of Montana men influencing the decline in the birth rate in the United States
It’s common knowledge that Montana faces a serious population shortage. A recent study by the state shows that the cow-human ratio now stands at 2.5 cows per person. This survey examines the underlying mechanism behind the decline in the birth rate by examining the underlying mechanisms of Montana Men – Montanus idiotus in Latin. — look for a companion.
In the wild, male members of a species often emit auditory signals to attract females to the breeding site. This phenomenon, called the “mating call,” is best observed in several songbirds. However, Montanus idiotus lives in a situation where fifty miles is an acceptable, if not a match-friendly distance. Such remoteness means that the auditory signals of males often go undetected by potential mates.
Montanus idiotus has developed a unique biological adaptation to combat this setback. Pairing calls instead of hearing calls* of Montanus idiotus is produced in the form of photography and short words and distributed through the online dating site Tinder. Thus, Tinder provides a vital mechanism for Montanus idiotus to attract a member of the preferred sex. Tinder profiles serve as the latest evolutionary adaptation in a long line of mating calls. But are they the most effective?
The mating practices of Montanus idiotus are poorly studied. Although the initial results of this survey seem promising, further research is required, particularly in the area of female perception of the mating calls of Montanus idiotus, to truly understand this unique species.
* The reader should note that, at the time of writing the article, there is disagreement in the scientific literature as to whether or not there are cries emitted by Montanus idiotus. are actually mating calls or actually distress calls.
In this study, 103 Tinder profiles were analyzed: 30 in the pre-survey and 73 in the main survey. In the initial survey, subjects collected points in 12 categories. In the main survey, this metric was expanded to 16 different categories, covering both the photo and written aspects of each profile. In addition to the survey statistics, several profiles that require special attention were selected as a focus for case studies.
Part A: Survey
The main demographic for the main survey was white males between the ages of 19 and 25. 73 profiles were queried.
We theorize that the following categories reflect many Tinder users. From the respondents:
- 36% have a photo with a dog
- 16% wrote their height in their profile
- 29% have at least one shirtless photo
- 27% have a gym listed or a gym photo on their profile
- 11% had a blunt or smoking picture, and an additional 5% mentioned smoking
- 23% have a picture of the passenger holding or drinking alcohol
- 4% stated that they were explicitly looking for a relationship or friends with benefits – we believe this number is low compared to other demographics of Tinder users.
We theorize that the traits analyzed in the following section are more specific to Montanus idiotus:
- 3% mentioned hunting or fishing in their profile, and an additional 12% posted a photo of them hunting or fishing.
- 23% have a profile with a picture of a cowboy hat and/or horse, including four pictures in four different cowboy hats.
- An additional 4% mentioned farming or ranching in their bios
- 16% had a picture of a car, truck or dirt bike – including one profile with a picture of a toy truck and one profile with four pictures of vehicles and no picture of the subject
- A slightly alarming 4% contain at least one image of a Trump flag or other item
- 13% had at least one picture of a gun
We can only conclude that the inclusion of these details is a primitive tactic used by Montanus idiotus to demonstrate that the subject is a good provider and would make a biologically sound mate.
Part B: Case Studies
Case studies were not originally intended to form part of research. However, we hope they will provide further information on the plight of Montanus idiotus and their mating prospects.
Subject 1—”Will,” a 20-year-old male—opened his profile and described himself as “a busy mom.” He went on to list his stats, writing that he is 6’2″ and weighs 190 pounds. Presumably, this is to show her vitality to potential mates. Regarding the height and weight statistics, Will then asks, “Is that good? I hope so.” Maybe not a good one if you have to ask.
In the included photo, an unsmiling Will holds an olive green water bottle with both hands, holding it in front of him as he rises. This is a common tactic used by men who are afraid of female attention and try to put any barrier between themselves and the woman closest to them.
Subject 2 – “Larry”, a 22-year-old male – displayed a black and white photo of himself, equipped with a cowboy hat, with a gloved hand making invisible tools near his crotch. Larry chose a simple but profound opening line: “I just like to drown. Take it as you will!”
NO, LARRY, I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT AS YOU WANT.
Subject 3—”Teajay,” a 20-year-old male—was one of the most representative specimens of Montanus idiotus examined in this survey. Teajay has left his biography completely blank, perhaps with the intention of cultivating a mysterious persona, or perhaps because he can’t form basic sentences.
However, it is the opening image that stands out the most. In the picture, Teajay is standing with his arms outstretched, a beer can in each hand. This pose reveals the full size of his wings and hints at his ability to drink alcohol. Teajay is completely naked except for a large cowboy hat covering his crotch. She looks at the camera with a look that is both stern and submissive. Teajay Montanus is an idiot and proud of it. This is his mating call.
After conducting preliminary and basic surveys, we suggest that any male-attractive Montanans considering downloading Tinder immediately turn on their phones and disinfect their eyeballs to avoid contact with Montanus the idiot.
We also strongly recommend selling the Montana to Canada for spare parts.